Unworthy
I was lying in bed thinking about the day ahead and trying to decide what I was going to do for the day. I started thinking about whether or not I was going to go to salsa class in the Bronx with one set of friends or in Hauppage with another set. I was imagining introducing one friend to someone I had recently met. Now the one I recently met is a very cute guy, and my friend is a very pretty woman. I started thinking, “What if he likes her?” “What if he wants to get with her?” (She is married and won’t give a fig, but this is just the way I think.) She is a tiny lil’ thing as most of my salsa friends are. I swear I have never known so many people under 5′4″. They make me feel tall, and that has never happened before. However, they also happen to be thin–so I feel tall and fat. Like Gigantor stomping around the dance studio. Anyway, in my imagination the cute guy comes up to me and says “You’ve got some really hot friends…but you’re not.” My question is: Why can’t I even be nice to myself in my own imagination? I posted a link in the forums to an article on recovering a healthy self-image. I think I need to go print it out and staple it to my forehead, so I can read it everytime I look in the mirror.
This little trip into my imagination reminded me of some experiences that I had in college. There were these two women at different times during my college years who befriended me. And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. They would save me seats in class. They would want to hang out after class. One was really smart and the other was really beautiful–and they wanted to be my friend and I had no idea why. I didn’t feel worthy of either of them…and that has been a problem for me all of my life. I have never felt worthy. I was a shy kid to start with and when I began gaining weight it was like the whole world turned against me. My mother, my father, the kids at school. My extended family. Everyone either made jokes or policed what I ate. Why would I ever feel worthy when everyone I came in contact me made me feel unworthy just because I was a little overweight? There was something WRONG with me, and I didn’t know how to fix it at 8, or 9, or 10. So I did the one thing that made me feel better. I ate things that tasted good and made me feel satisfied. 30 years later I still do the same thing. I don’t do it as often, but I still do it. I recognize the feelings and the temptations to do it a little better. Unfortunately, those feelings of unworthiness have not dissipated. I wonder if they ever will.
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I have no idea how to get a healthy self image or body image or whatever, because even though I’ve lost a 6th grader from my body, I still see fat and jiggle when I look in the mirror. BUT I think surrounding myself with people who love me in spite of my flaws goes a long way with helping me learn to live with them. Maybe someday we’ll all learn to embrace our flaws as part of who we are.
Anyway, you’re a great person, and you definitely ARE worthy of being treated well by everyone around you, of being loved and appreciated!
Tink, you ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!
Repeat everytime you think otherwise.
I have had to start doing the samethng, I can look at myself and see every single flaw and then dwell on it. The last several months I have been doing my best to change that attitude for myself. I have to do my best to look for the good. When I notice me telling myself that I am fat, ugly, old & wrinkled, etc, I have been changing it. I am worthy, I am pretty, I am getting healthy, I am a good person therefore I will accept all the good things that life will bring to me. Do I always believe myself, heck NO. BUT I say it to myself anyway, you know the saying “Fake it until you make it”. I no longer make excuses to myself when people give me a compliment, I say Thank-you and do my best to believe them. THAT is hard sometimes. However, I am starting to notice a difference. I don’t feel as bad and one day I WILL feel good about myself.
Tink, YOU are WORTHY, you are smart, you are funny, you ARE BEAUTIFUL inside AND OUT!
you are beautiful do not allow negative thoughts into your head! why is it we always find it easier to cope with a curse then to accept a blessing? by this i just mean ur automatically set on negativity like ‘it will never be me’ or from experience you think it will happen again. fuck it because negativity never got anyone anywhere or else you wouldnt be thinking the same way you always have done. try loving urself and believing in yourself and others will too! you seem like a nice person dont screw urself over love urself!
Tink,
as we learn to see ourselves the way that God sees us then those feelings will begin to subside. If our focus is always on the outside then we never realize how special we are on the inside. We are Spirits in a Body, NOT bodies with a Spirit.
You are Spirit, and people like your spirit. The outside is just a cover for the spirit. Yes, we need to take care of it, just like we need to feed the Spirit with the Word of God.