My Quest to Find My Waist

Everyone at work and in my family is starting to notice that I am finding hints of a waistline.  I am starting to feel the pressure of not backsliding and gaining the weight back.  When I feel pressure, I tend to eat sugary, carby things. Yesterday and today have been sugary, carby days–even though I went to the gym, did my cardio, had a training session. I came home and ate pastry, chips, pudding, then had my baked fish and veggies.  I keep trying to tell myself that it was just the workout, but that doesn’t explain yesterday’s chocolate chip cookie excursion.  Anyway, the fact that I know this is good, but the fact that I can’t stop eating is baaaaaaaaaaad!  I just have to make the decision to stop. Its so haaaaaaard.

According to my scale I have only lost 26 lbs, but the inches are coming off!!!! I was given a free shirt at a conference I went to over the weekend.  I automatically asked for a 2x, because thank GOD I was able to get out of 3xs which I had grown into last fall.  But I have worn 2xs since I was about 22-23 years old.  2x or 22-24.  As I was looking in the mirror in my hotel, I realized that the shirt I had on was too big.  Too big!!!! A 2x was too big!  I thought “Whoa!”  So when I had some time on my hands I went shirt shopping and bought two regular xls and 1 girly xl.  I knew the girly one wasn’t going to fit just by stretching it across my front, but I bought it as motivation.  The next morning, I put on one of the xls and it fit.  It’s a little snug, but only a little.  I wore it and a pair of leggings and took a walk into Times Square.  I can’t tell you the last time I wore leggings in public outside of a dance studio. (And it took a lot of courage to do that!)

So, today when I realized that I have no clothes to teach in tomorrow and decided to go shopping I picked up a 22/24 and held it up and pulled around my mid section. It went too far.  I was like, “huh?” It took me a sec to figure out that it was too big!!!! Then picked up and 18/20 and it went to the right spot.  So I bought about 6 shirts.  I didn’t try them on until I got home and THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so good. Awesome in fact!  Yay me! Celebrate with me buddies!!!

I was lying in bed thinking about the day ahead and trying to decide what I was going to do for the day.  I started thinking about whether or not I was going to go to salsa class in the Bronx with one set of friends or in Hauppage with another set.  I was imagining introducing one friend to someone I had recently met.  Now the one I recently met is a very cute guy, and my friend is a very pretty woman. I started thinking, “What if he likes her?” “What if he wants to get with her?” (She is married and won’t give a fig, but this is just the way I think.) She is a tiny lil’ thing as most of my salsa friends are.  I swear I have never known so many people under 5′4″.  They make me feel tall, and that has never happened before.  However, they also happen to be thin–so I feel tall and fat. Like Gigantor stomping around the dance studio.  Anyway, in my imagination the cute guy comes up to me and says “You’ve got some really hot friends…but you’re not.”  My question is: Why can’t I even be nice to myself in my own imagination?  I posted a link in the forums to an article on recovering a healthy self-image.  I think I need to go print it out and staple it to my forehead, so I can read it everytime I look in the mirror.

This little trip into my imagination reminded me of some experiences that I had in college.  There were these two women at different times during my college years who befriended me.  And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  They would save me seats in class.  They would want to hang out after class. One was really smart and the other was really beautiful–and they wanted to be my friend and I had no idea why.  I didn’t feel worthy of either of them…and that has been a problem for me all of my life.  I have never felt worthy.  I was a shy kid to start with and when I began gaining weight it was like the whole world turned against me.  My mother, my father, the kids at school.  My extended family.  Everyone either made jokes or policed what I ate.  Why would I ever feel worthy when everyone I came in contact me made me feel unworthy just because I was a little overweight?  There was something WRONG with me, and I didn’t know how to fix it at 8, or 9, or 10.  So I did the one thing that made me feel better.  I ate things that tasted good and made me feel satisfied.  30 years later I still do the same thing.  I don’t do it as often, but I still do it. I recognize the feelings and the temptations to do it a little better.  Unfortunately, those feelings of unworthiness have not dissipated.  I wonder if they ever will.