My Quest to Find My Waist

I hope everyone has been having a great week so far.  My week has been so-so.  I have a minor throat infection, so I wasn’t hungry all day yesterday, then I scarfed down sausages and pasta in amazing quantities last night.  Anyway, I haven’t been around much because I have been trying to sort some things out about why I have gotten off track.  I was doing so well during the scariest weight loss times of the year: Thanxgiving and Christmas and the New Year.  Then in March it all fell apart, I started gaining, then losing, then gaining and maintain and gaining again. I am now back at 261, which is where I tend to hover. That’s a 20 lb loss in 12 months.  I find that unacceptable for the coming 12 months. So something has to change.  As I thought about this I realized that when I have a meal plan planned and executed by others, I do just fine. However, when I am on my own, I don’t plan or pre-pare. I just eat what is available, and if nothing is available I head to the nearest fast food joint.  This has to stop if I am seriously going to do this.  I have never really believed that I could, but I have managed to lose and keep off 20, so I think I can lose and keep off more, but I have to do it consistently.  I have to get off my butt for more than just exercise.  I have to get my eating in check.  So I calculated how many calories I need to maintain my current body weight, which is about 2300 rounded up.  The site said to reduce that by 500 to lose, which is 1800.  Which is basically what was in my head, that I needed to be eating only about 1800 calories a day. With my workouts I will definitely be in a calorie deficit. But somedays I work out harder than others, so I am not really sure about how that is going to affect me.  For the rest of this week, I am going to make plans and go shopping.  I am going to set up a menu so I know what I will need for the coming two days at least, maybe more.  This is something to which I have been extrememly resistant, but it looks like now I have no choice.  My dr. also told me that my blood pressure has been elevated the last 2 times I went there, so that has to be nipped in the bud, NOW.  I am not adding hypertension to all of my other problems.  So, this is where I stand now, and its a pretty scary place.  Food is one of the few things I can count on.  Food always helps but the monsters back into their closets, you know.  Especially the comforty type of food.  It is time, though, for another type of monster-fighter.  Maybe I’ll consider these extra lbs the monsters and use healthy food as the monster-fighter.  Think I can re-train my brain to think that way?

I had been a size 22 for almost 12 years, then my clothes started getting to tight, so I went up to a 24 2 years ago, and up to a 26 last year, in both shirts and pants, even jeans.  ( that was a long sentence, wasn’t it) I haven’t worn a size 20 in anything since I was a senior in college, BUT I’M IN THEM NOW BABY!  It didn’t hit me a few weeks ago, when I pulle/d on the size 20’s I had bought even though they were a little tight. I mean I thought about it, and I was like “ok they fit now,” and I went to work.  It didn’t hit me yesterday when I tried on a pair of 22’s that almost swallowed me whole.  It didn’t even hit me that I thought I could probably get into an 18.  But this morning it hit! I slid the jeans on, liked the way they looked, then ripped off the tag.  That’s when it hit me, when I looked at the tag, then at myself in the mirror.  I am also wearing a size 2x sweat shirt (men’s), but the last sweatshirt I bought (last spring) was a men’s 3x.  I wore it the other day, and noticed that it looked waaaay big, but I didn’t stop to process that. (Maybe cause its a Mets hoodie and I love my Mets, and can’t bear the thought of having to give it away.) Well I’m processing it now.  In the immortal words of Busta Rhymes “Whoo-ha, whoo-ha!”

I feel like I am having a very good week.  My eating has been so healthy. I’ve been working out.  I have at least 5 more workouts til weigh-in.  However, because I feel so good, I want to get on the scale NOW and see if I have lost anything.  Whenever I do this, it seems like I don’t lose anything for the week, though.  So, as much as might want to go for an early weigh-in, I am determined to stay off of the scale until Saturday morning.

Yesterday, I posted some successes, but is so funny what a difference a day makes.  I don’t mean that those successes have all disappeared–that would be horrifying.  I looked at some photos of myself from the summer and they are atrocious, so I decided to wear that same shirt today to see how different I look in it.  ***Not that different***  Its okay though, I  know that everything cannot change at once, but it will definitely keep me from getting cocky.  I tend to think that “oh, my weight loss is going well, so I can cheat a little” and next thing you know I am buying an even larger size of clothing.  That is not going to happen this time.

I never really believed that I could lose weight–not permanently anyway.  I know that other people do it, but it always seemed like such and insurmountable obstacle–to lose over a hundred pounds.  I don’t look at it that way anymore.  I take it 2 lbs at a time.  I know that I can lose 2 lbs. Heck, anybody can lose 2 lbs.  And once I’ve lost those 2, I try for the next two.  I come from a heavy family and would like to see if I can them to join me in losing weight 2 lbs at a time.  Just keep the picture small, because the big picture can scare the hell out of you.

Well, its been a year since I joined BuddySlim, joined a Yoga/Tai Chi center, and began taking salsa lessons.  I did all of that last April because I was determined to do something to change my life.  12 months later and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be after a full 12 months, but that is no one’s fault but my own. I have probably lost about 40 or 50 lbs but its been a yo-yo thing, you know? Lose 5, gain 3, lose 2, gain 1 and so on and so on and so on.  But there has been some progress made and I am going to celebrate those successess.

In the last 7 years I have gained 26 lbs.  It only took me a year to lose 21 of them.

I have kept 10 lbs off for more than 6 months.

I have kept 15 lbs off for more than 9 months.

I have had to replace all of my pants because they are too big.

I can bend over and touch my toes.

I can get through a 45 mn workout video.

I don’t make a fast food plan of attack everytime I have a week off.

I can do 4 dance classes in one day. (but it kills the feet)

I ask to get weighed at the doctor’s office instead of trying to pretend that the scale doesn’t exist.

I don’t have these little bouts of self-hatred that come with what we all consider “bad” eating.  Even if I eat “badly” I know how to come back from that. (Although, that took almost a year to learn.)

I don’t run straight to food, when I’m feeling down. (Sometimes I stop and think about it and then eat the food, but that is less and less nowadays, but the desire is still there.)

I am less stressed.  My shoulder and neck muscles are not so knotty.

My calves look awesome and I have less lumps in my thighs.

I can dance salsa. (and a littl bachata)

I dance in front of people: in group classes, in clubs and bars. (And let me tell you, that’s a freakin’ miracle!)

The spare tire around my waist looks like it has a slow leak: it gets smaller and smaller and smaller.

And the best thing of all…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I AM HAPPIER THAN I’VE BEEN IN YEARS AND I FEEL BETTER THAN I’VE FELT IN YEARS!!!!!!!!

My challenge team had a homework assignment to post something that you love about yourself everyday this week.

LOVE FEST FINALE

MONDAY

I love myself with a T because I am TALENTED. I love to write and I am good at it.

Tuesday

I love myself with an R because I am REMARKABLE. I can make 30 children sit down and read. Every teacher out there is as remarkable as I am. Here’s to us!

Wednesday

I love myself with an A because I am ALIVE. When I noticed I was creeping up towards 300 lbs. I got off the couch because I don’t want to go out like that.

Thursday

I love myself with a C because I am COOL.  nuf sed

Friday

I love myself with a Y because I am YOUTHFUL.  I still have the ability to learn and appreciate new things, to try new things and be open-minded to the people and the world around me.

TRACY = A woman with a life worth fighting for, and I will not let this weight situation get the best of me.  I WILL DO THIS. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT. I WILL HAVE THE LIFE I DESERVE!

Every time I come close to breaking out of the 60s, I get excited, get my hopes up, start making grandiose weight loss goals.  But I never make it out.  I always gain and sometimes significantly.  I am at 262 and really, really, really, really want OUT!!!! I can’t stop thinking though, that I am going to be disappointed again. This is the lowest weight I have been in at least 3 years but I need that jump into the next lowest decade as a morale booster, ya know? How do I stay positive without getting my hopes up?  Is that possible?  How do I let it go without loosing the motivation?  Oy! Why is this so difficult and conflicting?  Why? I ask you!