My Quest to Find My Waist

I was on my way to a salsa lesson last night and I was thinking about how there was a bound to be a move or a combination that I would be unable to get right.  I was determined not to be embarrassed or get all flustered and stuff, but just have fun.  That led to thoughts of a guy in my other salsa class who is always encouraging everyone, but he always tells me that I will get it, and to not give up.  That led to thoughts of my last tai chi class.  We had a guest instructor and during the hardest part of the class (for me, anyway) it was obvious that I was having a hard time. After the class, she asked me about it and then she said “Just don’t give up.”  All of this thinking, of course, happened between two stop lights, and as I sat at the second light, I said to myself, “Why do people keep telling me not to give up, do I look like a defeatist?”  And then I realized that yes, I do– because I’m fat, I look like someone who gives up easily.  I do not know whether or not people really feel this way, but these were the thoughts in my head.  A case could be made for that because I have given up on my weight loss struggles, time and time again over the last 20 years, and in fact have gotten bigger in spite of having made gazillions of decisions to “finally get the weight off.”  However, the fact that I have been doing salsa consistently, for 9 months, and yoga and tai chi, more or less consistently for 9 months, should show that I am no longer a defeatist or a quitter.  The personal trainer that I had last year told me that I am a quitter.  She said that when things get hard, or start to hurt, I quit.  She’s right in a way.  But let’s face it, using my stomach muscles to hold up my legs is a lot more difficult for me than for someone who only weighs 200 lbs.  And its harder for that person than for someone who weighs 120 lbs.  I literally weigh as much as two-normal-sized adults and a pre-kindergartener combined.  I am physically unable to do as much as people who, while they may not be particularly physically fit, don’t have my same body weight issues.  Yes, its my fault, yes I want to change, but no, I do not want to have crawl out of the gym, and spend the rest of the day in pain from aching muscles, or walking around on spaghetti legs.   So…I gues…I am undecided about whether or not I am a quitter, but I have not given up yet, and have no plans to.  I will keep on trying until I either can’t try anymore, or get what I want.

Three lbs gone! This brings me to a total of 15lbs since April. If u knew how many times I had given up since April, you would be saying yay with me. Well, actually, you probably are saying yay with me. This was not the best week for me eating wise, and last week I literally lolled around on my bed instead of working out. So….I’m happy. 6 more lbs. to my next mini goal!

I did it. I am back to my pre-Christmas weight. It only took 2 weeks, which was exactly how long it took me to gain it. Not bad, all in all. So I am now under 270. A place I haven’t been in years (unless I count right before Christmas). I really want to hit my mini-goal of 260. If I do that I will have lost 21 lbs. My ultimate mini-goal is 31 lbs, because 30 lbs has always been my cut off point. I lose 30 lbs, get cocky, start eating whatever I want and bam! next thing you know I’m back at 279. That seemed to be my holding pattern for a while. And I swore to myself that I would never get to 280. Then one day I got on the scale and it said 281. I couldn’t believe that I had let me do that to myself. So, its been 9 mos that I have been see-sawing between 280 and 271 and I have finally broken through. I am happy

I need to drop just one more pound to get to my pre-holiday weight. I managed to talk myself out using my bathroom scale because I am doing my school’s BIGGEST LOSER challenge, and that scale reads 1 lb heavier than my home scale. I usually weigh in early in the morning but I didn’t and when I went down just now there are children all over the combined Nurse/Security office. My only other chance to weigh in will be on the students lunch period, which usually flies by like a 747 on speed. Am I ever going to know? Do I really want to know?