My Thousand Miles

Everyone at work and in my family is starting to notice that I am finding hints of a waistline.  I am starting to feel the pressure of not backsliding and gaining the weight back.  When I feel pressure, I tend to eat sugary, carby things. Yesterday and today have been sugary, carby days–even though I went to the gym, did my cardio, had a training session. I came home and ate pastry, chips, pudding, then had my baked fish and veggies.  I keep trying to tell myself that it was just the workout, but that doesn’t explain yesterday’s chocolate chip cookie excursion.  Anyway, the fact that I know this is good, but the fact that I can’t stop eating is baaaaaaaaaaad!  I just have to make the decision to stop. Its so haaaaaaard.

According to my scale I have only lost 26 lbs, but the inches are coming off!!!! I was given a free shirt at a conference I went to over the weekend.  I automatically asked for a 2x, because thank GOD I was able to get out of 3xs which I had grown into last fall.  But I have worn 2xs since I was about 22-23 years old.  2x or 22-24.  As I was looking in the mirror in my hotel, I realized that the shirt I had on was too big.  Too big!!!! A 2x was too big!  I thought “Whoa!”  So when I had some time on my hands I went shirt shopping and bought two regular xls and 1 girly xl.  I knew the girly one wasn’t going to fit just by stretching it across my front, but I bought it as motivation.  The next morning, I put on one of the xls and it fit.  It’s a little snug, but only a little.  I wore it and a pair of leggings and took a walk into Times Square.  I can’t tell you the last time I wore leggings in public outside of a dance studio. (And it took a lot of courage to do that!)

So, today when I realized that I have no clothes to teach in tomorrow and decided to go shopping I picked up a 22/24 and held it up and pulled around my mid section. It went too far.  I was like, “huh?” It took me a sec to figure out that it was too big!!!! Then picked up and 18/20 and it went to the right spot.  So I bought about 6 shirts.  I didn’t try them on until I got home and THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so good. Awesome in fact!  Yay me! Celebrate with me buddies!!!

I was lying in bed thinking about the day ahead and trying to decide what I was going to do for the day.  I started thinking about whether or not I was going to go to salsa class in the Bronx with one set of friends or in Hauppage with another set.  I was imagining introducing one friend to someone I had recently met.  Now the one I recently met is a very cute guy, and my friend is a very pretty woman. I started thinking, “What if he likes her?” “What if he wants to get with her?” (She is married and won’t give a fig, but this is just the way I think.) She is a tiny lil’ thing as most of my salsa friends are.  I swear I have never known so many people under 5′4″.  They make me feel tall, and that has never happened before.  However, they also happen to be thin–so I feel tall and fat. Like Gigantor stomping around the dance studio.  Anyway, in my imagination the cute guy comes up to me and says “You’ve got some really hot friends…but you’re not.”  My question is: Why can’t I even be nice to myself in my own imagination?  I posted a link in the forums to an article on recovering a healthy self-image.  I think I need to go print it out and staple it to my forehead, so I can read it everytime I look in the mirror.

This little trip into my imagination reminded me of some experiences that I had in college.  There were these two women at different times during my college years who befriended me.  And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  They would save me seats in class.  They would want to hang out after class. One was really smart and the other was really beautiful–and they wanted to be my friend and I had no idea why.  I didn’t feel worthy of either of them…and that has been a problem for me all of my life.  I have never felt worthy.  I was a shy kid to start with and when I began gaining weight it was like the whole world turned against me.  My mother, my father, the kids at school.  My extended family.  Everyone either made jokes or policed what I ate.  Why would I ever feel worthy when everyone I came in contact me made me feel unworthy just because I was a little overweight?  There was something WRONG with me, and I didn’t know how to fix it at 8, or 9, or 10.  So I did the one thing that made me feel better.  I ate things that tasted good and made me feel satisfied.  30 years later I still do the same thing.  I don’t do it as often, but I still do it. I recognize the feelings and the temptations to do it a little better.  Unfortunately, those feelings of unworthiness have not dissipated.  I wonder if they ever will.

I rejoined the gym today.  Its been a year since I had a membership.  I am not doing yoga and tai chi anymore, so maybe I’ll make better use of my gym membership this time around.  I signed up for two personal training sessions with a woman who lost 103 lbs. If she could do it, I can do it, right?  I am still having trouble with actually believing that I can do this.  I can’t visualize myself as a person who is not overweight.  I have been overweight for 30 years.  I have been 200+ for the last 18 years.  I have been at an unhealthy weight, compared to my peers, for practically all of my life.  I can’t visualize what I’ve never been.  I am not giving up though.  I lost 30 lbs, and have kept 25 of them off. I would like to lose another 25 by the end of 2009. I would like to lose more than that, but am trying to keep it real.  (Actually, considering that it took me 13 months to lose 30, 25 more in 4 months is NOT keeping it real, is it?  Still–its a goal, a target…something to shoot for.) If I only lose 20, I’ll be overjoyed.  If I lose 10 I’ll be happy with that too.  However, if I lose the 25, I will be over the moon.  People keep telling me how great I look, and while I can see some difference, its not enough for me to be like, “yeah, I look good.”  I have done something good, though and am proud of myself for it.  I just wish I had a way to help me ’see’ what I might look like.  I tried that ‘virtual me’ thing and frankly, it just doesn’t get big enough to represent me, so I can’t see that the ‘me’ that I really look like can ever look like the ‘virtual me’ at my goal weight.  That was convoluted, huh?  Anyway, I am looking forward to the fall.  I tend to lose weight best during this time of year.  Its the keeping it off that I need to work on.

As I was leaving my water aerobics class, I noticed two women walking down the street.  One appeared to be my age or maybe younger.  The other was older, she looked to be in her late 50s or maybe even older.  They were walking incredibly slowly down the street.  I realized that one of them was either infirm or injured, and I started thinking that whether we are fat or slim, we are all going to age and age is going to slow us all down.  We need to move while we have the chance.  Even if we can only walk around the block, we have to do it.  We need to stop worrying about what we look like, or what others will think about us and do what we need to do to give ourselves the best lives that we possibly can.  If we live long enough we will get old, and age will hamper our ability to move the way we do now.  I know that there are many older people who are incredibly mobile, but there are many more who are not.  If we don’t get off of our butts and drop this weight, old age is going to be worse for us.  Think about all of the things that we cannot do now, simply because we are carrying too much weight.  Imagine carrying that weight for the next 20, 20, 40 years as our bones, and joints age.  I don’t want to wind up trapped in some bed in a nursing home because I am too fat to move when I am 70. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in the “lose weight to look good” mindset, but it really is more than that.  I have been fat for almost 30 years, and it has seriously hampered my quality of life.  I refuse to be fat for the next 30 years.  I want to get as much out of life as I possibly can. So, to all my buddies old and new: Let’s Go! Let’s Move In As Many Ways As We Possibly Can!  Tonight–It’s Salsa!

When I see it like that it doesn’t look as awesome as it feels, but I don’t care.  I have lost and gained so much weight over the last 14 months, but in the end the numbers keep going down.  I am so proud of me.  I have never stuck with long term weight loss like this.  If it couldn’t be achieved in 6-8 weeks then I gave up. Who can lose over 100 lbs in 6-8 weeks? Gimme a break! My goal now is to up the ante. I want to lose another 25 lbs by September. Realistically, in that time period, I should be able to lose about 18 if I go for the 2 lbs a week for 9 weeks.  So I will aim for 25, be ecstatic if I lose 20 and totally okay if I lose 18.  My next mini goal is 250, that’s 6 lbs. So I should hit that in 3 weeks.  Hopefully, I will lose a little more than that, but if I take off those 6 I will have done what I set out to do. Enjoy your Independence Day Weekend!!!!!!!

So, about a month ago I made it to 258.  Then I went up to 259.  Then back up to 264.  Then back to 259.  Today, I about 259.5.  I am making a pledge where all can see (who read the blogs, anyway) that I am going to do my level best to hit 257 by Friday the 19th.  No more ice cream, no more fast food, no more meal skipping.  I will eat fruit and veggies, I WILL drink water and I will exercise as much as I can.  I don’t know what I’ll do today, but tomorrow I am going walking in the morning and dancing in the evening.  I WILL DO THIS!

I went to a party this weekend with some casual acquaintances I have made on the local salsa circuit.  This morning, I realized that not one of the women made me feel welcome at the party except for the one who invited me and the one who owned the condo.  I mostly hung out with the guys, and that, believe me was no hardship, but come on! These women are many different ages and it was like being back in high school again.  You know those teen movies where the new girl goes to the party and all the popular girls look at her like  “What is She doing here?”  Now, I am not saying they all looked at me like that, but no one really spoke to me, until later on, after copious amounts of alcohol had been consumed.  One woman and I had a conversation, but we had never met before.  At the party I was having a lot of fun dancing and talking with the guys, and I did purposely put myself to the task of being more outgoing and not pulling my usual wallflower, “I’m so sorry I’m so fat” schtick and hanging by myself pretending to have a good time.  Maybe I only was outgoing with the men?  Maybe they all want boyfriends and think I am adding myself to the hunt.  Maybe they think fat girls shouldn’t salsa.  I don’t know and I wish I didn’t care, but I am one of those people that wants everyone to like me, even though I don’t like everyone. =+)

Over the past 3 weeks I have jumped off of the “wagon” feet first and now I am reaping the benefits.  I guess its true that we reap what we sow, cuz I ate a lot. I haven’t been working out because I sprained my knee 3 weeks ago, which in some small part prompted the eating spree.  I had some legal issues that really made me hit the trough, but once they were cleared up I was having too much fun to stop eating.  So now, I have to go back to the healthy food and figure out someway to burn calories when I can’t do the workouts that I enjoy.  Walk Away the Pounds might work, but I also need to look into a water aerobics class.  They are not easy to get into in my neighborhood, and the private ones are so pricey. Oh well, at least summer fruit is coming into season, and if the strawberries I ate today are any indication, this will be a great fruit season.

xoxo to all my fellow buddyslimmers

I hope everyone has been having a great week so far.  My week has been so-so.  I have a minor throat infection, so I wasn’t hungry all day yesterday, then I scarfed down sausages and pasta in amazing quantities last night.  Anyway, I haven’t been around much because I have been trying to sort some things out about why I have gotten off track.  I was doing so well during the scariest weight loss times of the year: Thanxgiving and Christmas and the New Year.  Then in March it all fell apart, I started gaining, then losing, then gaining and maintain and gaining again. I am now back at 261, which is where I tend to hover. That’s a 20 lb loss in 12 months.  I find that unacceptable for the coming 12 months. So something has to change.  As I thought about this I realized that when I have a meal plan planned and executed by others, I do just fine. However, when I am on my own, I don’t plan or pre-pare. I just eat what is available, and if nothing is available I head to the nearest fast food joint.  This has to stop if I am seriously going to do this.  I have never really believed that I could, but I have managed to lose and keep off 20, so I think I can lose and keep off more, but I have to do it consistently.  I have to get off my butt for more than just exercise.  I have to get my eating in check.  So I calculated how many calories I need to maintain my current body weight, which is about 2300 rounded up.  The site said to reduce that by 500 to lose, which is 1800.  Which is basically what was in my head, that I needed to be eating only about 1800 calories a day. With my workouts I will definitely be in a calorie deficit. But somedays I work out harder than others, so I am not really sure about how that is going to affect me.  For the rest of this week, I am going to make plans and go shopping.  I am going to set up a menu so I know what I will need for the coming two days at least, maybe more.  This is something to which I have been extrememly resistant, but it looks like now I have no choice.  My dr. also told me that my blood pressure has been elevated the last 2 times I went there, so that has to be nipped in the bud, NOW.  I am not adding hypertension to all of my other problems.  So, this is where I stand now, and its a pretty scary place.  Food is one of the few things I can count on.  Food always helps but the monsters back into their closets, you know.  Especially the comforty type of food.  It is time, though, for another type of monster-fighter.  Maybe I’ll consider these extra lbs the monsters and use healthy food as the monster-fighter.  Think I can re-train my brain to think that way?