My Quest to Find My Waist

OMG #1:  I was doing so well with my new eating guidelines until last week.  Then I started snacking, then munching, then just downright eating things I knew I shouldn’t.  Now, everyday I try to get back to the good place and I can’t.  I am so ashamed of myself.  I know I shouldn’t be, but those two weeks of guiltless eating were so good for me.  I was happy b/c I wasn’t constantly disgusted with my eating habits.  No one breaks 30 years of bad habits in 3 weeks though right? So, come Hell or high water, I am going to the grocery store tomorrow and the warehouse store sometime this week.

OMG #2: I have no more pants that fit and there is nothing in the stores that I want to put on my body.  Why are all the pants styles so ugly?

OMG #3: I made my dance studio’s amateur dance team and can’t help but wonder why.  Honestly, they’ve seen me dance.  I was so scared to audition, scared through the group portion, terrified during the small group portion, then they called us back again, and I was messing up.  Now I am terrified that I made it.  I will be the heaviest person on the team, female or male–and I have seen those costumes…Hell-to-the-no!  What have I gotten myself into?  And yet, I am also excited.  They like me, they really like me!

My nutritionist and I have extremely busy lives and our meetings are going to be nothing like on-a- regular basis, so I have made some changes. I have gone back to my original weigh-in weight from 2008 and am going back to weekly weigh ins. I have had a few off-plan days and will probably have one more because I have not gone shopping. I have been running around helping my friend who had surgery. So I will hit the grocery store tomorrow and hopefully get to Costco this weekend (for my southern readers that’s Sam’s Club). Anyway, since I have been going to the nutritionist, I have lost 10 lbs and it was so nice to be able to change my weight ticker. 15 more lbs and I will have lost the magic 50. I realized that when I was driving around on my friend’s errands today. That will be 10% of my body weight 2 weeks and will be my mini goal. I have just under 2 months to lose lbs. I really hope I can do it. Maybe I could get into a size 16 dress for New Year’s Eve? Peace, people.

So despite all of my happy blogging, I have had some setbacks in the last 2 days.  I had cookies yesterday, and fast food today.  I also skipped my workout yesterday and haven’t made it up yet.  I don’t really want to either…lol.  My friend is in the hospital and I want to go see her…but I don’t want to get off the couch and drive all the way over there tonight, when I have to go over there tomorrow and pick her up.  I don’t really feel bad, though, just a little disappointed in myself.  I did really well for most of the last 2 weeks.  I should know by now that there are no quick fixes and that my essential nature has not changed.  So, its good that I have just started weakening a few days before my next nutritionist’s appt.  The appt is tomorrow, along with a host of other things that I need to get done.  I will be back tomorrow to report on how much weight I have lost in the last 2 weeks.  The scale went in the wrong direction this morning, but not a lot.  Guess I’d better get off the couch and do SOMETHING!

When I got up to use the bathroom a few minutes ago, I found myself searching my face in the mirror for more signs that it was slimming down.  Looks the same as yesterday, and I started to feel down.  But then I reminded myself of the title of the Heartbreakin’ Rockstars thread for last week:  Its A Process! I have seen some amazing changes over the last two weeks, and I have to remember that every time I start something new, the weight loss starts out dramatically, then tapers off.  I have to learn to be satisfied with the simple fact that the weight is coming off–and that it is coming off via a healthy diet and lots of water and exercise, not because of some restrictive fad diet, or some NON restrictive fad diet for that matter.

One thing I wonder is that when I hit my goal weight, will I still be so obsessed with food and my body. I have spent the last 25 years concerned with those two things.  Whether I was planning what junk foods to eat or trying to diet I am always thinking about food.  I want to be able to stop thinking about food–and just eat enough to keep me alive and healthy.  I want to be able to wall into a store and not wonder if they carry my size. I want to be able to walk into a shoe store and not worry that they don’t carry wide width shoes.  I don’t want to have to scurry past windows and mirrors in the mall so I don’t catch a glimpse of my own reflection–(of course I don’t HAVE to do that now, I just CHOOSE to).  I just want to KNOW  that I am healthy and THINK that I look REASONABLY good.

Well, thats it for my early morning musings. Peace, people.

Too many times I only come to blog when I am depressed or upset about something, but I need to learn to celebrate the victories as well as ask for commiseration during the trying times.  I went to see a nutritionist approx two weeks ago, and if my scale is to be believed, I have lost about 10 lbs in the last 2-3 weeks.  I was gaining at a rapid clip before because I got depressed because I couldn’t break the 30lb mark or even keep it.  I kept gaining and losing the same 5-7 lbs.  It was so frustrating.  I know that losing this much weight this fast will not last.  My body hasn’t had time to adjust to the new caloric intake, but it will and the loss will slow, but it will continue.  I don’t think that I have ever approached a weigh in with such anticipation–even though it will take place at about 4:30 pm, and fully clothed, instead of in the morning, naked, after I have used the potty.

I have even started back to doing aerobics.  I had stopped back in May when I fell on my knee.  Between the gym, salsa and now aerobics, I am feeling the knee a lot more.  I am thinking of going to see a doctor, b/c I just don’t think this burning sensation is cool, but it doesn’t slow me down.  It may just be a residual of having injured this same knee 3 times in 3 years.

Yesterday, I jogged up 2 flights of stairs with my class.  I was breathing heavy when I was done but there were no dark spots dancing in front of my eyes, and I didn’t have to sit down.  I can remember a time when I would have refused to walk up A flight of stairs, much less jog up 2. What I really can’t wair for is to have normal size thighs.  My thighs remind me ham hocks.  I would say I hate them, but the other day, I wrote about how much I love them because they help me with my salsa spins, so I’ll just say I can’t wait until they are smaller and more toned.  I also can’t wait to be able to wrap them around someone without worrying that I’ll squeeze him to death like a human python.  Sex is so awkward at this size. (At least, I think so…maybe sex is awkward when you’re a healthy weight, too.)  Anyway, that’s all for today.  Peace, people.

Everyone at work and in my family is starting to notice that I am finding hints of a waistline.  I am starting to feel the pressure of not backsliding and gaining the weight back.  When I feel pressure, I tend to eat sugary, carby things. Yesterday and today have been sugary, carby days–even though I went to the gym, did my cardio, had a training session. I came home and ate pastry, chips, pudding, then had my baked fish and veggies.  I keep trying to tell myself that it was just the workout, but that doesn’t explain yesterday’s chocolate chip cookie excursion.  Anyway, the fact that I know this is good, but the fact that I can’t stop eating is baaaaaaaaaaad!  I just have to make the decision to stop. Its so haaaaaaard.

According to my scale I have only lost 26 lbs, but the inches are coming off!!!! I was given a free shirt at a conference I went to over the weekend.  I automatically asked for a 2x, because thank GOD I was able to get out of 3xs which I had grown into last fall.  But I have worn 2xs since I was about 22-23 years old.  2x or 22-24.  As I was looking in the mirror in my hotel, I realized that the shirt I had on was too big.  Too big!!!! A 2x was too big!  I thought “Whoa!”  So when I had some time on my hands I went shirt shopping and bought two regular xls and 1 girly xl.  I knew the girly one wasn’t going to fit just by stretching it across my front, but I bought it as motivation.  The next morning, I put on one of the xls and it fit.  It’s a little snug, but only a little.  I wore it and a pair of leggings and took a walk into Times Square.  I can’t tell you the last time I wore leggings in public outside of a dance studio. (And it took a lot of courage to do that!)

So, today when I realized that I have no clothes to teach in tomorrow and decided to go shopping I picked up a 22/24 and held it up and pulled around my mid section. It went too far.  I was like, “huh?” It took me a sec to figure out that it was too big!!!! Then picked up and 18/20 and it went to the right spot.  So I bought about 6 shirts.  I didn’t try them on until I got home and THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so good. Awesome in fact!  Yay me! Celebrate with me buddies!!!

I was lying in bed thinking about the day ahead and trying to decide what I was going to do for the day.  I started thinking about whether or not I was going to go to salsa class in the Bronx with one set of friends or in Hauppage with another set.  I was imagining introducing one friend to someone I had recently met.  Now the one I recently met is a very cute guy, and my friend is a very pretty woman. I started thinking, “What if he likes her?” “What if he wants to get with her?” (She is married and won’t give a fig, but this is just the way I think.) She is a tiny lil’ thing as most of my salsa friends are.  I swear I have never known so many people under 5′4″.  They make me feel tall, and that has never happened before.  However, they also happen to be thin–so I feel tall and fat. Like Gigantor stomping around the dance studio.  Anyway, in my imagination the cute guy comes up to me and says “You’ve got some really hot friends…but you’re not.”  My question is: Why can’t I even be nice to myself in my own imagination?  I posted a link in the forums to an article on recovering a healthy self-image.  I think I need to go print it out and staple it to my forehead, so I can read it everytime I look in the mirror.

This little trip into my imagination reminded me of some experiences that I had in college.  There were these two women at different times during my college years who befriended me.  And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  They would save me seats in class.  They would want to hang out after class. One was really smart and the other was really beautiful–and they wanted to be my friend and I had no idea why.  I didn’t feel worthy of either of them…and that has been a problem for me all of my life.  I have never felt worthy.  I was a shy kid to start with and when I began gaining weight it was like the whole world turned against me.  My mother, my father, the kids at school.  My extended family.  Everyone either made jokes or policed what I ate.  Why would I ever feel worthy when everyone I came in contact me made me feel unworthy just because I was a little overweight?  There was something WRONG with me, and I didn’t know how to fix it at 8, or 9, or 10.  So I did the one thing that made me feel better.  I ate things that tasted good and made me feel satisfied.  30 years later I still do the same thing.  I don’t do it as often, but I still do it. I recognize the feelings and the temptations to do it a little better.  Unfortunately, those feelings of unworthiness have not dissipated.  I wonder if they ever will.

I rejoined the gym today.  Its been a year since I had a membership.  I am not doing yoga and tai chi anymore, so maybe I’ll make better use of my gym membership this time around.  I signed up for two personal training sessions with a woman who lost 103 lbs. If she could do it, I can do it, right?  I am still having trouble with actually believing that I can do this.  I can’t visualize myself as a person who is not overweight.  I have been overweight for 30 years.  I have been 200+ for the last 18 years.  I have been at an unhealthy weight, compared to my peers, for practically all of my life.  I can’t visualize what I’ve never been.  I am not giving up though.  I lost 30 lbs, and have kept 25 of them off. I would like to lose another 25 by the end of 2009. I would like to lose more than that, but am trying to keep it real.  (Actually, considering that it took me 13 months to lose 30, 25 more in 4 months is NOT keeping it real, is it?  Still–its a goal, a target…something to shoot for.) If I only lose 20, I’ll be overjoyed.  If I lose 10 I’ll be happy with that too.  However, if I lose the 25, I will be over the moon.  People keep telling me how great I look, and while I can see some difference, its not enough for me to be like, “yeah, I look good.”  I have done something good, though and am proud of myself for it.  I just wish I had a way to help me ’see’ what I might look like.  I tried that ‘virtual me’ thing and frankly, it just doesn’t get big enough to represent me, so I can’t see that the ‘me’ that I really look like can ever look like the ‘virtual me’ at my goal weight.  That was convoluted, huh?  Anyway, I am looking forward to the fall.  I tend to lose weight best during this time of year.  Its the keeping it off that I need to work on.

As I was leaving my water aerobics class, I noticed two women walking down the street.  One appeared to be my age or maybe younger.  The other was older, she looked to be in her late 50s or maybe even older.  They were walking incredibly slowly down the street.  I realized that one of them was either infirm or injured, and I started thinking that whether we are fat or slim, we are all going to age and age is going to slow us all down.  We need to move while we have the chance.  Even if we can only walk around the block, we have to do it.  We need to stop worrying about what we look like, or what others will think about us and do what we need to do to give ourselves the best lives that we possibly can.  If we live long enough we will get old, and age will hamper our ability to move the way we do now.  I know that there are many older people who are incredibly mobile, but there are many more who are not.  If we don’t get off of our butts and drop this weight, old age is going to be worse for us.  Think about all of the things that we cannot do now, simply because we are carrying too much weight.  Imagine carrying that weight for the next 20, 20, 40 years as our bones, and joints age.  I don’t want to wind up trapped in some bed in a nursing home because I am too fat to move when I am 70. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in the “lose weight to look good” mindset, but it really is more than that.  I have been fat for almost 30 years, and it has seriously hampered my quality of life.  I refuse to be fat for the next 30 years.  I want to get as much out of life as I possibly can. So, to all my buddies old and new: Let’s Go! Let’s Move In As Many Ways As We Possibly Can!  Tonight–It’s Salsa!