My Quest to Find My Waist

It has been 3 years since I have joined BS and I have managed to keep off about 20 lbs.  I am very disappointed in myself.  After 3 years I would like to at least have lost 50 lbs.  I have had many physical set backs–several knee injuries and  rotator cuff tendonitis.  However, the real problem is my eating.  I eat too much and I don’t eat enough.  I eat about 2 meals a day of take out.  Extremely bad.  I am not going to go into why I eat this way, cuz even I don’t wanna hear myself talk about it anymore.  Hopefully, this will be my year.

Re: The Heartbreakin’ Rockstars 2011 #14 - Stay Positive

These tips won’t guarantee you will lose weight, but if you adjust your lifestyle slowly, letting each new baby step become a habit before adding another one, these changes are more likely to become a permanent part of your routine and result in a true healthy lifestyle change.”

Even though I have been trying to lose weight in a healthy way for a long time. I have not REALLY taken the time or the EFFORT to change my habits. It takes months to change a single thing, and I keep trying to change everything at once, and failing miserably at it. When I think about the one thing that I really have focused on, I realize that it has taken me 5 months to stop stopping for fast food, several times a week. And even that has started slipping. I guess somewhere in my head, I still believed in a magic pill, potion or formula. They really don’t exist, do they? All of these steps, like food journaling, emotion journaling, that I have been telling myself that I don’t need “cuz I’m just gonna do this thing and get it over with,” are all probably things that I need to do.

When I first started dancing, and there was something new my teacher would ask me to do, sometimes I would stop him, and just stand there with my eyes closed, thinking about what my body needed to do and visualizing how to do it. I have always been very cerebral, much more so than I have been physical. I realize now that I need to put my mind to losing weight. Its no longer enough to just have the want and the desire, I have to really THINK it through and work it out. I think moving into my own place will help. I am also considering getting an elliptical machine…ya know…after I get furniture and stuff.

As hard as I am trying I cannot think of another thing to write right now, so I will go.  If you are reading this, “Have a great day, buddy!”

I need to eat vegetables. I know this. You know this.  Everyone know this.  Problem is…I don’t like ‘em.  I know that there are ways to drink them in smoothies, but i don’t want to taste them.  Anyone know of any sites with good veggie smoothie recipes that don’t taste like veggie smoothie recipes?

I’ve been ruminating a lot about eating right and exercise and I had an epiphany. I think one reason that I am so self-sabotage-y is that I unconsciously realize that I will have to change for LIFE. Its a daunting to prospect to realize that if I ever get thin, I will have to maintain a way of life that will keep me thin. I will NEVER be able to go back to eating the way I enjoy.

I wish that I didn’t enjoy unhealthy eating,and I hope that someday I will learn to love healthy eating. My SIL and my brother have totally revamped the way they eat, but she doesn’t work and has time to prep everything and research and whip up everything that they need. Until I find a man who is willing to support me, I can’t spend my days cooking healthy food and working out. The only time I get to do that is the summer and to be honest…I don’t even do it then. So like as not, it will never happen.

Anyway in about half an hour I will get off the couch and workout for the first time in a long time. I mean I workout when I go to dance class, but this is non-dance cardio workout. Dance just isn’t doing it for me anymore. Too much standing around discussing things, not enough movement.

I started this blog and then absolutely forgot about it. I forgot about losing the weight too.  This year I put on half of what I loss last year, but I am getting my mojo back…I hope.  I am going to spend this week preparing and planning.  I want to just jump in with both feet, but I know that I am not ready.  To say that I am going to get up in the morning and automatically eat right is stupid.  I haven’t cooked anything, haven’t gone to the grocery store. Haven’t PLANNED! If there is one thing I have learned its that there has to be some preparation.

I know that Christmas is coming and that it is the holiday season, which is the worst time to try and start weight loss, but historically, this time of year works for me.  Spring and summer are my worst seasons.  Anyway, this is prep week and I am going to look for my folder from the nutritionist that I saw last year.  (I keep saying that but I’ve only actually looked for it once.) I am going to try and be really real and really and really honest in this blog.  Its time for a permanent change.  I have wasted 35 years of my life being fat and afraid to live.  Its time to get healthy and live life to the fullest.

My dance team performed at the congress.  I was a nervous wreck.  I messed up, but the rest of the weekend was so much fun.  Dancing from 12-3 or 4 in the morning–depending on when my feet gave out or my clothes were soaked thru with sweat.  I took some ladies styling workshops, a salsa one, and some bachata work shops.  Had loads of fun with my friends both on the team and off.  My wallet and phone were accidentally stolen, but the guy who accidentally took it brought it back.  Lol! I cried.  I was really bitchy wearing that dress cuz I don’t like how I look in it…but what the hell–it is what it is and I am how I am.  Yeah, baby!

According to the scale, I have lost between 2 and 6 lbs this week.   2 and 6 you ask? Well, I got on the scale Sunday morning and the scale said I lost 2 lbs.  Then I go on the scale early Monday morning and it said I lost 4 more. (Granted I did spend all of Sunday in the dance studio.)  Then I waited a few hours and it confirmed the 4.  I really hope I lost that much, but I am not going to get back on the scale until Sunday which is my duly appointed weigh in day.

What I really want is to keep the momentum going.  In my opinion, losing weight is both the easiest and the hardest thing in the world to do.  Its easy because it is very simple.  Its hard because giving up old habits and the foods we love is so difficult. I just want to keep up the progress of eating good healthy food.  I have not taken steps to cut anything out yet, but I am doing what my nutritionist said and am adding good stuff into my diet and eating several meals a day.  I am drinking lots of water.  Or I am trying to.  Yesterday, I worked out a lot. Danced for hours, and skipped dinner.  Which is probably why the scale is so nice to me today.  I just don’t want to lapse into vacation mode, and eat everything in the house.  I am sitting here on my couch and I want to get up and work out, but I have no energy.  I want to go shopping, I need to go to the supermarket…but I’m just sitting here, cleaning out my DVR.  Hopefully, I will get off the couch before 4:00 and will have done something healthy for myself.  And will keep doing good stuff for the rest of this week.

I wore a skirt today for the first time since Halloween, and the second time since last Easter (actually that was a dress).  I felt like I really looked good in it.  There was this one skirt that I wanted; it was black and flared, but when I tried it on, I realized that it didn’t do anything for me, and it was too short.  It hit me at the knees which made my legs look shorter and stumpier.  Then I remembered a different skirt and I went to try it on.  It came below the calf, but not ankle length.  As I was thinking about this earlier, I realized how often I have just bought clothing because it fit and not because it looked good on me.  Its important that we, even before we hit our goal weight, learn to dress in a way that is flattering.  It makes you feel better, when you know you look good as to when you just know that your body is covered in the acceptable number of garments.  Later, when I went to my private dance lesson, I was looking in the mirror and really liking what I saw.  Then my instructor, who came to my school for career day today, said he noticed that I looked really nice in the skirt and in my workout gear.  For the first time in a long time, I want to go shopping and find some cute Spring things to wear.  Maybe some more skirts…maybe even a dress that doesn’t go all the way down to my ankles.

Apparently a positive attitude works better than eating healthy and working out. I have gained 11 lbs. since Thanxgiving. I have spent a great deal of that time in denial. Even though I wasn’t eating right, I kept telling myself that what I was doing wasn’t that bad. Anyway, I finally, stepped back on the scale this Sunday past, and could deny no longer. I went grocery shopping, made a healthy dinner for that night, then prepared my breakfast and lunch for the next day. I don’t know if eating healthy for one day can change a person’s attitude but I was much happier. Anyway for the next two days people kept mentioning that I’d lost weight or asked me how I was doing it. Now I honestly don’t think that I could have lost that much weight in 2 days. So even if you’re eating 3000 calories a day (DON’T DO THAT) keep a smile on your face and your attitude positive and people will think that you are slimming down.

All joking aside though, my point is that when we are not eating the way we know that we are supposed to, or we are not getting in the amount of exercise that we are supposed to, we get depressed or down on ourselves and it shows in the way we carry ourselves and our facial expressions, maybe even in our aura. Losing this weight that we’ve carried for years (some of us) takes more than a load off of our bodies, it takes a load off of our souls. We become happier and healthier spiritually and mentally, as well as physically.

Earlier this month, I made a committment to blog at least 3 times a week.  I think this is my third time this month.  It seems like the only thing that I can make a committment to and stick with is dancing. I wish I could understand this passion for dancing that I have developed in my mid life.  Maybe this is my mid life crisis. But I see others who have started at different ages than me and become just as addicted.  Anyway, its the only thing I want to do, the only thing that I do consistently.  I am still banished from the dance floor due to knee problems, but I still go to team practices, and group lessons and just sit there and watch.  One of my life’s dreams has always been to write, but I don’t.  Most writers write everyday, keep a personal journal, and an idea journal.  I have never been able to consistently do any of those things…not to mention not being able to keep a food and/or exercise journal.

Anyway, back to my blogging issues.  I have recently injured both of knees, and as a result have not been able to exercise or dance.  I have retained my ability to eat all manner of unhealthy foods though, and indulged in them while sitting at home on my couch.  I had just managed to get off the pastry kick, when the chocolate monster reared its ugly head and since TOM was paying a visit, I just let the monster roar.  Yesterday was my first full day with no chocolate or pastry, and I am dying to get moving.  I feel that urgency, that desire, and yes that committment to get more fit, to lose more weight, but I am a foodie and I know that I cannot just lose weight by eating right.  Is it possible? Yes. Will I do it? No. I know my limitations, and I have to be able to balance the food and the exercise.